When Should a Guy Marry?

“We have placed the best age for woman to marry between 20 and 25 years; for similar reasons, man is best qualified to become a husband between 23 and 33 years.

Previous to the twenty-third year, many a man is incapable of producing healthy children. If he does not destroy his health by premature indulgence, he may destroy his happiness by witnessing his children a prey to debility and deformity. An old German proverb says, “Give a boy a wife, and a child a bird, and death will soon knock at the door.”

The Physical Life of Woman

Young Romance vintage comic

“However will I tell her that Vince falls short of the 23-to-33-year-old age limit? And what’s with that German nonsense about a child and a bird?”

(Image via DC Comics Database)

It’s National Crochet Month!

Today we’re taking a break from your regularly scheduled vintage marriage and dating advice to celebrate National Crochet Month! In the interest of full disclosure, I’m a knitter, not a crochet type – but we can all get along when it comes to yarn, right?

 

crochet bunny hat

I’d like to tell you it gets better, son, but… well. You know.

crochet man vest tie

Murphy Brown, meet Murphy Me-YOW! Here’s a little something for that journalist on-the-go! (Yes, I know MB was a woman. Hush now.)

vintage crochet family

First the all-crocheted items. Then the divorce. Even the clown doll is screaming.

crochet cossack costume

Crocheted Cossack costume? Three-foot-high “jumbo sculpture”? How much weed was involved here?

vintage crochet family

Here’s a crocheted family who’s doing a little better. A lil’ lucky someone even got baby Voltron legs!

vintage crochet toilet paper dollShe knows. Oh, she KNOWS.

(Images via Vintage Everywhere, TessKnits.com, and C. Dianne Zweig.)

Dating for Duds: If She Says ‘No’

mystery date snowboarder

Sorry, Popular Guy – I have to wash my hair that night.

“Boys have a lot of pride (so do girls for that matter) and they hate to have a pin stuck in it. (Who doesn’t?) Having ample grey matter, they realize that in asking for a date they run the risk of being slapped on their egos with a brisk, ‘No!’

Just between you, me, and the gatepost, the risk is pretty slight – but in all fairness we must recognize that it is there. Most girls love to date and adhere to the philosophy that the more parties and boy friends the better. In fact, boys, ‘No’ is one word that is few girls’ vocabularies.”

Date Data

Meanwhile, the rest of this book is pretty much dedicated to telling girls how to stop the boys they’re dating from getting too fresh. Le sigh.

Happy National Bathtub Party Day!

vintage bathtub party

So, according to the Internets, it’s National Bathtub Party Day! I don’t know about you, but I’ll be celebrating with bubble bath from Lush, a drink, music, and a soggy magazine.

Let’s revisit another bathtub party! Does anyone remember the Bath Night Frolic?

“I refer to the custom adopted by the wise mothers of all generations of having the little children fo the family meet in the nursery at bedtime at least one evening a week in what some mothers call an “undress parade.” Others mothers call it a “bath night frolic.” The little boys and girls of the family ranging in age between two and seven or eight, enter into these frolic with the keenest and most unalloyed pleasure.”

(Read the full post: Commence Frolicking!)

 

Everything I Do, I Do It for You

Hersteria_cant understand women

“It just goes to prove that women are happy when they can kick a guy around. If he doesn’t give them cause for complaint, they invent it. Sometimes you wonder why wives stick to ne’er-do-wells, cheaters and drunks. The answer is simply that it gives them a chance to nag, correct, boss, forgive – and if he’s helpless enough – nurse and mother him. Indeed, the alcoholic who goes on the wagon can make his wife physically ill by his reformed and virtuous state. Sometimes she herself is driven to drink by it.”

 

Women Confidential

 

“Honey, I drink and cheat to keep YOU happy and healthy!”

Best justification ever.

 

(image via English Girl at Home)

How to Compliment a Lady, 1600s-Style

elizabethan courtship

“Hey girl. I bet under that kirtle and bumroll you’ve got some mighty stately Thighes.”

 

Tired of doling out the same, worn-out compliments to your lady friend? Take a page from The Academy of Complements (1663), written by John Gough. These lines are sure to quicken her breath and redden her cheeks, if you know what I mean.

“Her womb, mansion of Cupid and Summerhouse of pleasure.”
“Liquorous rolling eyes.”
“Her Cheeks are spread with Spices and Flowers.”
“Her breasts are the soft Pillows of love.”
“Her breasts are soft and tender as the Pelican’s.”
“In that sweet dimple, when she smiles, Cupid hath pitch’d his tents.”
“Her Thighes are fit subjects for the pleasant Songs of youthfull Poets to acquaint the world with.”
“Her legs as stately and firm as marble pillars.”

 

(via The Academy of Complements and Ask the Past)