Happy October and All Hallows’ Eve, Dear Readers!
When I was a girl, Halloween was a time of candy corn and light shenanigans, but it seems that yet another holiday has been sullied. No longer do young women dress as a Squaw, Mammy, or other acceptable archetype; now everything accentuates the torrid: Sexy Nellie Bly, Sexy Shirtwaist Factory Worker, and even Sexy Mary Todd Lincoln!
This month’s Hussy, dressed as the Cat on the Hat, has clearly bought into this foolish new fashion. That choker says it all.
[On the symbolism of the human body]
“Fine whitish hair, like that of a child, goes with a simple, childlike disposition; black hair denotes a certain hardness of character; red hair has long been supposed to be associated with a sensual constitution, but it rather indicates a physical weakness, — a tendency to scrofula. This is, however, a tendency merely. Thin hair is often the result of protracted mental labor, though many other causes produce it.”
–The Physical Life of Woman
However, the author fails to mention the personality properties of those with stringy brown hair.
Shocking Items as reported by Tweets of Old
• “Mrs. J.C. Anderson, a giddy young thing, and the mother of 16 children, has run away with a big-trousered dude 25 years of age.” OH 1889
• That Pesky Bustle — “That ridiculous bustle is going to be “the fashion” again this summer. What self-respecting female sticks a hump on her back the size of a dollar’s worth of flour? It seems to a man up a tree like it’s time to call a halt and consider the bearings. We truly hope that the pretty girls of Winston will refrain from making themselves ridiculous by wearing the bustle this summer. We don’t care a snap what the ugly girls do about it.” – from The Winston Herald, March 15, 1894 (Alabama)
• WOMAN APPEARS IN COURT IN “PANTS”!
“In Judge Yager’s court this morning was the first woman to visit the court attired in the new style of garmenture. She was Mrs. Pearl Crouch, who offered the use of her automobile to convey some witnesses down to appear before the grand jury, among them her sister. Mrs. Crouch wore a suit built on the style of the soldiers uniform trousers during the war, only they were made of a neat pattern of wool. The suit included coat and trousers and was evidently new. She attracted considerable attention, as most of the men had not yet seen any woman so clad, on the streets and in public places, such as a court room. The style, it was explained, was one that they would probably see a great deal more of in the course of time, and they might even expect to see women wearing knickerbockers!” –from the Alton Evening Telegraph, February 25, 1922
I know Tweets of Old is doing its journalistic duty, but really, some things are simply too upsetting to report.
[From a chapter entitled “How to Have Beautiful Children”]
“During pregnancy the mother should often have some painting or engraving representing cheerful and beautiful figures before her eyes, or often contemplate some graceful statue. She should avoid looking at, or thinking of ugly people, or those marked with disfiguring diseases… She should avoid ungraceful positions and awkward attitudes, as by some mysterious sympathy these are impressed on the child she carries.”
–The Physical Life of Woman
Oh my, I don’t even want to contemplate what grotesque beast this woman will bear. Horrors!
“In short, fags need good bone structure (because beauty is 90 percent of the game in the gay world), but you don’t. Look your best at all times, of course. But don’t cop out because you think you aren’t handsome enough–because you are (if I am, you are). And you may discover, whatever your other shortcomings, that sex is the one thing you’re really good at.”
—The Sensuous Man
Oh boy, our venerable author, “M,” wants the fellas to shoot for the stars!
“Look, I know I’m not much to look at, and I have no discernible talents, but if you turn around and bend over, you’re more than likely going to have a good time.”
(On having sex while pregnant)
“Why should not the child of a merry young mother be as lively and strong in all his bodily movements as she? Not only because the energetic mother will play and romp with him later on. Oh no! Long before birth, whilst they both belong so intimately to each other, every little step, every abrupt movement of the mother’s finds its echo in the body and soul of the little child; so why should not her sexual impulses and movements also have their influence?
In the later months of pregnancy the child will produce a lively local massage with his own energetic movements; for the better development of his own little body, and to prepare the mother for her most trying moment. And who is not reminded by this, of the often marvellous cures of Thure-Brandt massage of the internal organs?
—How to Attain and Practice the Ideal Sex Life
Um, I have no problem with a pregnant lady getting it on, but does the author need to make it so . . . ishy?
And I’m fairly sure that Thure-Brandt massage is the type of internal massage as seen in The Road to Wellville–that is, it induced orgasms in women.
Yeah, I’m going to walk away from this one.
“So you are going to be married?
Teen timers, if you have a noggin filled with notions about tying the nuptial knot, lend a listen to some straight from the shoulder chatter on the matter of marriage.
If Jallopy Joe or Jeanie with the light brown hair bob has you cloud hopping when the door bell rings at date time, you are suffering from the acute symptoms of pedigreed puppy love. If you think Tom is tops or Jane is a wonderful girl, all well and good. High school is the time when mutual admiration begins. But — be cautious, Hep cats!!! The accent is on mutual admiration, not intense amour. The three r’s still remain reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic, not ‘riting and ‘romance. We cannot mix coy glances and giddy giggles with a geometry proposition or the swoony sensations of first love with ancient history.”
–Teen Talks by a Teen Ager
The Catholic church, ladies and gentlemen!
I recently received this slang-heavy manual, along with several other pamphlets, from my friend Alicia. This was the first one I opened, and my jaw about hit the floor when I saw that it was a Catholic printing. Now I kind of wish there was such a thing as be-bop Mass. Dig?