November Hussy of the Month

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This quintet of naughty wretches brings the very definition of “hussy” to a new low. Behold the Barrison Sisters (seen here c. 1890s), a turn-of-the-century vaudeville act that involved dancing and kittens. You heard me.

Quoth the Wikipedia Dictionary of Facts: “In their most famous act, the sisters would dance, raising their skirts slightly above their knees, and ask the audience, “Would you like to see my pussy?” When they had coaxed the audience into an enthusiastic response, they would raise up their skirts, revealing that each sister was wearing underwear of their own manufacture that had a live kitten secured over the crotch.”

Please include these unfortunate sisters in your prayers, dear readers. Thank you.

Via Turn of the Century.

Childless? Your Life Probably Sucks

“God created woman not only to become a wife, but also a mother. Her health, her happiness , and all that is most worth having, are only to be secured by her conformity to this divine purpose. The woman who enters the marriage state simply desiring to obtain the social place or sexual pleasure which it affords, and is unwilling to assume its duties and obligations, prostitutes her most exalted endowments, and shuts the door of her home against the entrance of the angels of life and blessing. The woman who persistently refuses to assume the duties of motherhood strangles her own mother-nature, the sweetest and divinest attribute of womanhood. No home that is without children can be perfectly happy; and barrenness, whether natural or enforced, is sure to bring regret and, possibly, even eventual estrangement.”

What a Young Man Ought to Know

I never realized what a hollow lie my life is until now. I shall go about getting impregnated and lawfully married to an esteemed gentleman at once (not in that order, obviously). And don’t worry–I shan’t enjoy conception one bit. Thank you, author Sylvanus Stall, D.D.!

Obsess Much? More Words of Advice

Thighs

There is nothing more unattractive than fat thighs. I dislike myself when my thighs get a little heavy. At 21 my thighs were my biggest worry and I became desperate to reduce. Men love firm thighs and if you follow the exercises you too can have lovelier thighs.”

–How to Keep Your Husband Happy (LP)

Debbie and ladies

I feel like I’ve typed the word “thigh” so often that it’s lost all form and meaning. Here, Ms. Drake affirms her self worth in front of a group of bingo-winged women. (Is that a Peter Pan collar on her leotard?)

(image via LIFE)

Ben Franklin Is All About Cougars

Benjamin Franklin: statesman, scientist, spy … and a sly devil with the ladies. It’s no secret that this founding father was, as a Time magazine described, a “paunchy, balding, bifocaled septuagenarian [who] managed to get French ladies in a flutter.” Even though Ben usually surrounded himself with young, pretty, tittering mademoiselles, he also advocated the more experienced woman.

Read on for Ben’s advice on wooing mature women. I’ve highlighted some of my favorites, but if you would like to read the entire letter, you can do so here.


Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress by Benjamin Franklin

Philadelphia, June 25, 1745

“… It is the man and woman united that make the complete human being. Separate, she wants his force of body and strength of reason; he, her fitness, sensibility, and acute discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the world. A single man has not nearly the Value he would have in the state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. If you get a prudent healthy wife, your industry in your profession, with her good economy, will be a fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this counsel and persist in thinking a commerce with the sex inevitable, then I repeat my former advice, that in all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:

  1. Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
  2. Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.
  3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much inconvenience.
  4. (…) And as in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.

… 8thly and lastly. They are so grateful!!

 

Oh, Ben, you cad.

(Thanks to Riley Coyote for the tip!)

Your (Chunky) Cheatin’ Heart

“It is not enough just to be in love with a man; you must know how to express your love in many ways. Men need constant attention and affection. It is not enough to say I love you; you must constantly prove it in many ways and one of the best ways to express your love is to keep your body beautiful. It is the obligation of every woman to bring out her best features. If she does, she’ll find her husband will be happier and his eye won’t rove far from home. Take a look at yourself; does your excess poundage outnumber your anniversaries? If so, it’s time to begin on a well-planned program. Give your husband a chance to admire in you what he admires in other women.”

–How to Keep Your Husband Happy (LP)

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Ladies, if your relationship is healthy, your man will ogle and leer at you just like he does with any two-bit Sally. If he’s not pawing at you like you’re a hunk of meat, you clearly aren’t thin and beautiful enough.