Hersteria’s Holiday Gift Guide to the Rescue!

ori_993-34429-POSTCARD_XMASWISHES-VINTAGE-CHRISTMAS-PHOTO-POSTCARD-IAU0020POSTCARD_XMASWISHESAN(via Antiques.com)

Yes, my dears, it’s that time of year when every gal pushes her muffler to her cheek and ponders what gifts to get loved ones. Don’t waste another moment on thinking — Hersteria is here to help!

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For the newlywed couple, these prison jammies will remind them that they, too, will one day feel trapped in a loveless marriage!

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For Mother, nothing beats a shiny new toaster! Now maybe she can make an edible piece of toast for once in her goddamn life.
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(via MomGrind)
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Oooh, and here’s a little something… special… for the man of the house!

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Is your co-ed daughter still waiting for Mr. Right? Well, this practical record would be a great gift for young ladies who seem unable to catch a husband.

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(via Say No to Crack)
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Now, here’s a practical gift for Junior!

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What do you get a bedwetter for Christmas? Apparently a neatly wrapped box of shame.

(via Bedazzled)

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Happy holidays, everyone!

Hersteria Presents: The Perfect Woman!

For millennia, men have sought the perfect woman, and women have sought to achieve that ideal. After countless minutes researching this very issue, I present my findings for you, my dear readers. Let the following photos be your template in your attempts toward Womanly Perfection!

Perfect woman - flapper

In this illustration, we are helpfully guided by the measurements taken from some of today’s top leading ladies. From this, we know that women should stand 5’4″, weigh 118 lbs, and have the following attributes:

• The eyes of Mary Pickford

• The 33″ chest of Greta Garbo

• And the ridiculously small, possibly bound feet of Ann Pennington. (I was incredulous about the size-3A thing, whatever that means; upon further Googling, girl wore a size 1 1/2!)

However, some may find the above method toward perfection too imperfect. Thankfully, we are able to look to the supercomputer for answers! Today, technology is able to conclusively define the Perfect Woman (as seen in the printout), which apparently includes a toned stomach, a flip haircut, and an oddly thick neck. Please note: Perfection may or may not include a bikini.

Thank you, science!

vintage-perfect-woman-formula

(image via Black Watch)

Little Bouncing Baby Sword of Damocles

“To save herself from the disgrace of an illegitimate child she may have an abortion produced; the abortion may have no bad results, but it may, if performed bunglingly, leave her an invalid for life, or it may kill her outright. If she is so unfortunate as to be unable to get anybody to produce an abortion, she gives birth to an illegitimate child, which she is forced in most cases to put away in an institution of some sort where she hopes and prays it may die soon–and, in general, it does. If it does not die, she has for the rest of her life a Damocles’ sword hanging over her head, and she is in constant terror lest her sin be found out. She does not permit herself to look for a mate, but if she does get married, the specter of her antematrimonial  experience is constantly before her eyes.”

–Woman: Her Sex and Love Life

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I find the writer’s point a little odd. “So, uh, you know. . .  don’t bungle the abortion.”

The Eyes Have It

Well, it’s not quite the Miss Inner Beauty Pageant, but I suppose this will have to do. I love how the exceedingly creepy judge checks their eyes like he’s fixin’ to buy one of them. Yeesh. Also: yashmak? Was that part of the everyday British lexicon back then? 

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Sure, she had to be pawed at by the judge, but at least she won an enormous rose-shaped soap for her trouble! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Miss Beautiful Eyes of 1958!

(via The Hairpin)