Halloween Costume Shopping with Hersteria!

Happy Halloween to my wonderful readers!

It’s that time once again! And what’s that? You’re stuck for a last-minute costume? Well, since last year’s crop of Hersteria Halloween costume suggestions were such a success, I’ve decided to bestow my help once again. Take a look at these fine ideas for a spook-tacular (yet modest!) outfit.

Vintage womens costume

Well, look at what we have here! Why, it’s (from left) a Sexy Disfigured Latin Fellow, a Sexy Goggle-Eyed Inn-Keeper, a Sexy Gertrude Stein, and that favorite among the children – Mystery Forest Ranger!

vintage woman costume

Who says you have to buy an expensive costume? Make this clever costume by wearing a stocking on your head, attaching felt circles to your cheeks, stuffing your bosom so it’s comically large, and finally adding a simple hat made of flowers and a large witch. Scary AND economical!
Vintage woman's costume

Here Gladys helpfully poses with the latest in Halloween fashion: on the left, a screaming cat shift; on the right, a pirate vest with, of course, a shoulder owl (as all pirates do). Both are worn over a hula skirt.

Vintage baghead costume

Be the life of the party as Baghead Billy Joel!

vintage rooster man costume

Of course, we would not omit the fellows in our costume party! Here, Wendell shows that he too can be the cock of the walk.

vintage phone costume

And finally, a delightful couples’ costume! I recommend the clever (but mildly uncomfortable) Sir Phoneface, accompanied by his lovely wife, Ma Bell.

Images via the Huffington Post, Vintage Vivant, Johnny Cupcakes, and Atypical Art.

Stranger Danger : The Good, The Bad, and the Squirrels

At one point or another, all children should be taught the difference between trustworthy and untrustworthy people. But how can you tell between the two? Well, Budget Raygun found this delightfully confusing pamphlet about good people vs. bad people vs…. bad animals.

Good vs Bad 1

It sure would be nice to paste in pictures of your real mother and daddy… if only daddy hadn’t gone out for smokes a year ago.

Good vs Bad 2

BAD people look suspiciously like mother and daddy. This will be something you will go into at length in about 20 years with your therapist.
Good vs Bad 3

Okay, sure. Sound advice, right? Children shouldn’t go off with strangers into sheds…

Good vs Bad 4

… and, um, strange squirrels. [Insert requisite nut joke here.]

Good vs Bad 5

As brought to you by the Harry J. Will Funeral Home! Goodnight, kids!

(Thanks to Anne H. for the tip!)

How to Manage, I Mean, Treat a Lady

Pillow Princess

“After interviewing scores of high school girls, I’ve discovered the one-two-three formula for making you a date knight on date night.

Interested? Okay, hang onto your hat (if you wear one), because here it comes. You may have heard that girls like the strong masterful type — swoon — and they do, but from a strictly feminine viewpoint, it seems like the idea has been a little misinterpreted.

A girl likes to feel managed in the sense that she is being helplessly swept off her feet into a whirlwind evening that has been planned to the last minute detail, whether it’s a movie with a Coke float afterward, or a swanky dance that calls for formal dress.

She likes to feel subdued because her date seems more capable more intelligent, and better versed in what’s going on in the world than she. However, to interpret “that masterful approach” as meaning that dream boat yearns to be treated as a slave girl several notches lower in a caste system, is to take a jet flight right off the beam. All girls, from the slick chicks right down to the plain Janes, like to be treated like fairy princesses on feather pillows, and the boy who can create this illusion will instantly see in his girl friend’s eyes a reflection of himself as a Greek god.”

 
Well, this is certainly one way to define “pillow princess,” I suppose.

Self Abuse and the Single Fella (SFW)

“This… substance, the spermin, is carried to his central nerve system, to his spinal cord, his medulla oblongata, and his brain, and hammered into these by his strong young heart… He begins to act like a man; he begins to think like a man; he begins to do big things in a man’s way; he begins to make ambitious plans in a man’s way; and he is a man, every inch of him a man… there is a new light in his eye. This light is nothing more nor less than light from the kindling fire of manhood…

In this connection, it must be noted that some boys and young man seriously interfere with this natural process of developing from youth into manhood by the act of masturbation or self-abuse. If this act is begun before puberty, and continued at comparatively frequent intervals, say, three or four times a week, or daily, the youth might almost as well have no testicles during such period of self-abuse; and if persisted in during the years of puberty, he will, instead of developing into the hard-muscled, fiery-eyed, ambitious young man described above, develop into a flabby-muscled, namby-pamby, cowardly molly-coddle, lacking in initiative and will power.”

Dr. Hall’s Sexual Knowledge

.

Ah! This is a return of my beloved scientific terms “namby-pamby” and “molly-coddle.And as we’ve seen in the past, Dr. Hall has quite the fixation on what defines manhood and virility in all its sweaty-chested, broad-shouldered, heavy-breathing glory. Read into that what you will.

So You Want to Get Married

In honor of my friends Jessica and Nate getting married this weekend, I thought it appropriate to share some much-warranted advice from So! You Want to Get Married! (1947) as shared by The Hairpin.

.

So You Want to Get Married 1
First things first. Did he ask your father for your hand in marriage? Did he go straight to the top and ask God? If not, why not? Perhaps you want to rethink marrying such a soulless, father-hating creep.

.

So You Want to Get Married 2

This one’s easy: Are you a filthy whore? Check yes or no.

.

So You Want to Get Married 4

And finally, there’s the issue of how to keep that ol’ spark alive.

.
Personally, I hope never to see the words “love-making” and “sour cream” used together ever again.

Congrats Jessica and Nate! And thanks to Bridget for the link!

That Lovin’ Spoonful: Adventures in Anti-Birth Control Arguments

“The twitching and jet stream of the male orgasm stimulate the female partner toward a sexual climax. In some women, this source of gratification is so important that methods of birth control which interfere with the impact of semen on the vaginal walls greatly impair sexual satisfaction.”

–The Marriage Art

.

My lands, was this written by a dude, or what? C’mon, ladies, he’s only thinking of YOUR pleasure!

Nice Bow Job.

Hairdo dating cues

Jelly bracelets, men’s earrings, colored hankies in the appropriate pocket… and now a giant bow to infer that Betty Dupree knows that oranges aren’t the only fruit.

.
.
Friends, please forgive my absence! A new day job is eating away my waking hours, but I’ve resolved to sneak in some much-needed Hersteria time. Thank you for staying with me these last couple of months as I get reorganized — obviously, YOU are of well-raised, virtuous, well-mannered stock. Also, you’re quite charming and good-looking.

(Image via Retronaut. Thanks to Phoebe for the tip!)