Happy New Year, my dearest (and perhaps drunkest) ducklings!
Thank you so much for following Hersteria! The next year will bring out even more old-fashioned advice and oddities, and the return of the Hersteria Hussy of the Month! Stay tuned!
(image via Bobbins and Bombshells)
Hello, my darlings! Stuck for a last-minute gift? Last year’s Hersteria holiday gift guide saved many folks who found themselves in a present-buying pickle. This year I’ve found even more gifts that are bound to please even the crabbiest Scrooge on your list.
Want to piss off your friends and neighbors? Buy the lil’ lady a sun lamp!
For more of that pampered, “fresh from a bath house” feeling, consider the Vibrafinger “gum massager“!
No hair? No problem! Even women with alopecia will enjoy bathing their scalp in hot air with this hairdryer.
Macho smells so manly that a phallic bottle was just obvious.
We know now much kicking your man does in a day. That’s why we endorse these slacks, featuring an EXCLUSIVE CROTCH GUSSET.
Gifts that Keep on Giving
You’d think Bust Cream would be just for the ladies, but YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Bust Cream can be also used as Food, making it a great gift for any couple (or hungry person) on your shopping list.
Chick History recommended this Akai video recording system. And since it comes with an invitation from a Penthouse Pet to attend a video taping session with them (?!), it truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
(Images via Found in Mom’s Basement, hongkiat.com, The Oddball Daily, Daily Dawdle, and Retronaut)
[The following is presented as an example of a “successful” pick-up line to be used in an art museum.]
“Stare at bizarre abstract for five minutes, then nod in judgement, poking cheek in tongue.
YOU: My five-year-old brother has a better notion of line and perspective.
SHE: (eyebrows raised): Better than Klee?
YOU: You don’t believe me? Look! (Pull folded charcoal line drawing of city skyline from your coat pocket.) Have you ever seen such a display of sweeping vision in conjunction with a draftsman’s precision…
This line may be a bit shaky unless your kid brother is in the same league with Klee. But maybe not, because she probably knows nothing about art. After all, Cosmopolitan sent her to the museum to look for men, not for culture.”
—The Sensuous Man
Well, obviously. It’s not like “culture” is going to teach you 101 ways to please a man.
Have a particularly bad pick-up line to share? Please comment!
Other pickup tips from The Sensuous Man:
The Pickup Artist
Adventures in Pickup Lines: Ladies Love Seamen
(image via Comically Vintage)
“Here’s another scene for your mind’s eye. Half a dozen boys are congregated on the steps of Ye Ole High School. A captivating co-ed saunters by. What happens? You know! Six low wolf whistles are sounded.
Why? Well, as the boys would phrase it, it’s because she’s so — er, a — well you must admit she certainly is! Of course, if you happen to be the girl in question, it puts you on the spot. Just how are you supposed to respond to pass this test with flying colors?
If [the girl] looks neither to the right nor the left but marches self-consciously on, she is apt to be the target of even more whistles and wolfish remarks. Boys are thrilled when they can get a rise out of a girl. On the other hand, if she makes some playful retort, the boys are apt to get the idea that their wolf calls are appreciated — even welcomed.
The ideal solution seems to be for the girl to acknowledge the dubious tribute with a sweet smile (not coy or coquettish) and walk on, thus letting them know that she is not flustered, but neither is she unduly impressed.”
Welcome to the Madonna/Whore complex of simple, everyday strolling.