Q: Are You Attractive? A: No.

You know what’s really unattractive? You, probably. At least according to Esquire’s Handbook for Hosts, published in 1949.

How Attractive Are you

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Wait, how did they get your senior picture? Anyway, the advice goes on to assure you that you’re doing everything wrong.

are you attractive 1

Boozer? BOO! And remember, no man can love you unless he has proper lumbar support.

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are you attractive 2

I find it best to simply never cultivate any interests whatsoever. You never know when Mr. Right may need your undivided attention!

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Read the rest of the advice at Worker Dandyist International — thanks to Rose for sharing!

Hersteria’s Guide to Looking Fabulous!

six-stages-of-mending-a-face

The Six Stages of Mending a Face

(Start upper left, going clockwise)

1. Attach poodle to head

2. Carefully remove eyeball

3. Wail mournfully about state of breast tissue

4. Refrain from biting mirror image

5. Wipe detached kitten paw across cheeks.

6. Success! You look fabulous. Now put grab that skull and go out on the town!

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(Image via Monk Lounge. Thanks to Phineas for the find!)

American Men = Chumps

“American men have been raised on a fiction: that American women are soft, feminine and alluring. They forsake the freedom of single bliss and the grubby affairs in motels and automobile back seats for the fantasy that is held up on all sides of soft female flesh, partially hidden by a sheer black negligee; sex on silken sheets with a perpetually young and sylphlike wife with red lips and nails by Revlon and hair always in place by Toni. They dream of gay, perfumed nights of love courtesy of Sortilege.

Even before the honeymoon is over, the sucker discovers that in marrying an American woman, he sold himself into bondage to a domineering, sexless individual who regards marriage as a contest with a husband to see who is going to be the boss. And the poor chump always loses.”

Women Confidential

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Them’s the breaks.

By the by, I had to look up Sortilege — while the author is probably talking about having a gay time (ahem) with the Canadian brand of whiskey/maple syrup liqueur, I’m choosing to believe he meant the ’80s French heavy metal band.

Daaaang, Girl! It’s the January Hussy of the Month!

I can’t quite put my finger on what makes this woman a brazen hussy. Her short sleeves, perhaps? The hustle of her bustle?

Whatever she’s doing, it’s attracting far too much male attention, and thus it must be rife with sin.

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Une dame vraiment bien (“Very Fine Lady”) by Louis Feuillade, 1908

(By the by, the music totally makes this video.)

Hersteria Presents: The Perfect Woman!

For millennia, men have sought the perfect woman, and women have sought to achieve that ideal. After countless minutes researching this very issue, I present my findings for you, my dear readers. Let the following photos be your template in your attempts toward Womanly Perfection!

Perfect woman - flapper

In this illustration, we are helpfully guided by the measurements taken from some of today’s top leading ladies. From this, we know that women should stand 5’4″, weigh 118 lbs, and have the following attributes:

• The eyes of Mary Pickford

• The 33″ chest of Greta Garbo

• And the ridiculously small, possibly bound feet of Ann Pennington. (I was incredulous about the size-3A thing, whatever that means; upon further Googling, girl wore a size 1 1/2!)

However, some may find the above method toward perfection too imperfect. Thankfully, we are able to look to the supercomputer for answers! Today, technology is able to conclusively define the Perfect Woman (as seen in the printout), which apparently includes a toned stomach, a flip haircut, and an oddly thick neck. Please note: Perfection may or may not include a bikini.

Thank you, science!

vintage-perfect-woman-formula

(image via Black Watch)

The Eyes Have It

Well, it’s not quite the Miss Inner Beauty Pageant, but I suppose this will have to do. I love how the exceedingly creepy judge checks their eyes like he’s fixin’ to buy one of them. Yeesh. Also: yashmak? Was that part of the everyday British lexicon back then? 

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Sure, she had to be pawed at by the judge, but at least she won an enormous rose-shaped soap for her trouble! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Miss Beautiful Eyes of 1958!

(via The Hairpin)