I Know How to Pick ‘Em

Mar21

It’s Spring, a time when a young woman’s fancy naturally turns to marriage. But finding a proper beau is so difficult these days — that’s why I’ve provided these helpful hints for “shopping” for that perfect man!

First, think about what sort of man you would like. Remember, you will be married to him forever and ever.

(Both above images via Comically Vintage)

Now then! Let’s look at the fellow you’ve picked. It appears he’s quite virile!

(via Namey McNamerson)

This is Hersteria’s 100th post! My goodness, how time does fly. Thank-you to all of my dear readers, who are undoubtedly some of the most attractive, intelligent, and morally upright people on the Inter-net.

While I’m at it, please follow/add Hersteria on Facebook and Twitter!

A Glimpse of Ankle: The Lady Porn Day Edition

Feb22

Dearest readers,

Once again, I am participating in a themed blog circular as presented by Ms. Rabbit Write. Just as last time we discussed make-up, this entry is for Lady Porn Day. I realize this is a most out-of-the-ordinary topic for Hersteria, but I feel it important to educate the masses as to smut’s place in history and its consequences. I have provided examples of the obscenities to which I refer as well as a handy guide to help gentlemen avoid licentiousness.

Maintain a vigilant and virtuous mind, dear readers, and remember: When you touch yourself, the saints cry.

Sincerely,

Miss K. LaMoine

A little side boob and derriere went a long way back then.

To be honest, this assignment was a bit of a stumper. I naturally assumed that somewhere within my library of antique sex and marriage manuals, an author would have addressed the issue of women and pornography. However, other than instructions on how to keep young girls from masturbating, there was nary a single mention as to a woman’s relationship to the erotic. It didn’t help that until relatively recently, there was barely, if any, porn made for women.

From these findings, I believe we can safely assume that women simply weren’t sexual before 1950. Moving on.

Whereas modern porn is typically an all-or-nothing, take a good look at my how-do-you-do event, 19th- and early 20th-century smut was more evenly mixed. Sure, you could get your overt photos of folks coupling (often while wearing befuddling hats [NSFW]). But more often than not, the available photos and films were simply naughty: women in various states of undress, typically in a specific setting (the kitchen, the country, the boudoir), and almost always with a sly almost-smile.

Can you spot all the things wrong with this photo?

1. nudity and lingerie

2. murder

3. a woman in the workplace

(pic via Silent Porn Star)

Even if there wasn’t a whole lot to see, there could be a whole lot to see, if you looked hard enough. For better or worse, if a person was of a certain mind frame, the erotic/obscene could be found everywhere, just waiting to muddy otherwise virtuous minds. For some, this constant scanning for obscenities led to wild claims.

“The appeal to the amative and sexual nature is so universal in novels that it might safely be laid down as a rule that no young men or young women should be permitted to read a novel before they arrive at the age of twenty-five.” — What a Young Man Ought to Know (1904)

Seven decades later, folks were downright blasé about actual nudity.

“Most pornography can be divided into two categories, visual and literary. These days most visual pornography consists of photos, all basically the same. The beginner’s collection shows naked women with emphasis on the breasts and genitalia. Since all females have identical equipment, if you see one, you’ve seen them all. Once the dramatic revelation that women have a clitoris, vagina, labia, and breasts sinks in, there are no more surprises.” — Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask (1970)

Ho-hum, vaginas. Which is healthier: panic or boredom?

Um, Miss? I … I don’t think that’s how you fix a bicycle.

(via Mistress Evelyn)

Bonus Material!

Hersteria’s Guide to Moral Purity

(You may notice that this is directed toward menfolk. I found it unnecessary to provide a similar list for women, as decent ladies do not harbor such thoughts.)

Gentlemen! Do not dwell upon the following:

• A lady’s bloomers or knickers                                  • Ladies wearing trousers
• Irises                                                                              • Velvet-lined gloves
• Stockings                                                                      • Muffs
• Lemon meringue                                                        • Omelets
• A well-folded beach blanket                                     • Bicycle seats
• Mason jars                                                                   • Drapery tassels
• Bare ankles                                                                  • Partially closed draperies.
• Bowling pins                                                               • Voting booths
• Side saddles                                                                • Boules of freshly risen dough
• Peach halves (with or without syrup)                    • Un-salted mackerel
• Conch shells                                                                • Dart boards
• Bananas                                                                       • Billiard pockets
• The works of Georgia O’Keefe                                • Doilies
• Dictaphones                                                                • Hat pins
• Hat boxes                                                                     • Vulvas

Sexy is where you find it.

*Thank-you to Mr. N. Marshall, Mr. J. Crock, Mr. P. Jurgaitis, and Mr. J. Thaxton for their help in list-making.

I’m Working on a Master’s in Making Out

Feb9

“Beware!!! You are wandering off the beam if you think petting is a preparation for marriage. Call it spooning, necking or what you will, but no matter how we varnish our vernacular, it is taboo for you. Don’t take chances with the undisciplined passions of youth.

Femme Fatales, when you are working for an M.R.S., you can’t jump off your pedestal for a moment. Make purity and modesty your motto and you can still be a keen queen that the fellows with high ideals date.”

–Teen Talks by a Teen Ager

Considering the complexities, I wonder if Pinkey’s Special is considered higher ed?

Ain’t No Helpmeet of Mine

Jan5

“Women who are constantly seeking diversion and entertainment, who are absorbed by the empty and exacting demands of what is called ‘society,’ who are extravagant in dress, and who honestly contribute nothing, either of happiness or comfort, to the sum of the world’s good, are really idlers, and are practically worthless as helpmeets. Any woman clad in silks and seal and costly apparel can look pleasant and smile attractively on Chestnut Street or Fifth Avenue; but, young man, the woman you want to live with you in your home is the one who can be agreeable and helpful in the midst of every-day burdens and self-denials. . .”

–What a Young Man Ought to Know

So I suppose dozing on the couch while watching The Wire for five straight hours disqualifies me from being a helpmeet, eh? What Bunk.

I’m with Stupid

Dec20

On “When Marriage Is Inadvisable”:

“Feeblemindedness

A feebleminded man has much fewer chances for marriage than has a feebleminded woman. Feebleminded girls, even to the extent of being morons, if pretty (as they often are), have very good chances of getting married, not infrequently getting for husbands young men of good families who themselves of course are not very strong mentally, but still are far from being considered feebleminded.

It must be borne in mind that feeblemindedness or weak mentality is much more difficult to detect in a woman that it is in a man. Weakmindedness in a woman often passes for “cuteness,” and as among the conservatives a woman is not expected to be able to discuss current topics, her intellectual caliber is often not discovered by the blinded husband until some weeks after the marriage ceremony.”

–Woman: Her Sex and Love Life

Surprise, honey! I’m stupid!

(But cute!)

If Only You’d Notice the Motion of My Ocean

Dec15

“However glamorous or ‘manly’ it may seem to be ‘well hung,’ penis size is not really a factor in intercourse. The size of a man’s penis is not a central concern to a woman, who knows from experience that she is equally satisfied by any size, as long as the man wielding it knows what he’s doing. (Besides, most women are too busy worrying about the size of their breasts to concentrate on your trivial fears.)”

–The Sensuous Man

Oh, sugar. It’s so precious how you delude your… Wait, do you think my breasts are lopsided? Is it obvious? Oh god, how obvious?!

Obsess Much? More Words of Advice

Nov17

“Thighs

There is nothing more unattractive than fat thighs. I dislike myself when my thighs get a little heavy. At 21 my thighs were my biggest worry and I became desperate to reduce. Men love firm thighs and if you follow the exercises you too can have lovelier thighs.”

–How to Keep Your Husband Happy (LP)

I feel like I’ve typed the word “thigh” so often that it’s lost all form and meaning. Here, Ms. Drake affirms her self worth in front of a group of bingo-winged women. (Is that a Peter Pan collar on her leotard?)

(image via LIFE)

Your (Chunky) Cheatin’ Heart

Nov3

“It is not enough just to be in love with a man; you must know how to express your love in many ways. Men need constant attention and affection. It is not enough to say I love you; you must constantly prove it in many ways and one of the best ways to express your love is to keep your body beautiful. It is the obligation of every woman to bring out her best features. If she does, she’ll find her husband will be happier and his eye won’t rove far from home. Take a look at yourself; does your excess poundage outnumber your anniversaries? If so, it’s time to begin on a well-planned program. Give your husband a chance to admire in you what he admires in other women.”

–How to Keep Your Husband Happy (LP)

Ladies, if your relationship is healthy, your man will ogle and leer at you just like he does with any two-bit Sally. If he’s not pawing at you like you’re a hunk of meat, you clearly aren’t thin and beautiful enough.

“Why Try?” for the Straight Guy

Oct8

“In short, fags need good bone structure (because beauty is 90 percent of the game in the gay world), but you don’t. Look your best at all times, of course. But don’t cop out because you think you aren’t handsome enough–because you are (if I am, you are). And you may discover, whatever your other shortcomings, that sex is the one thing you’re really good at.”

–The Sensuous Man

Oh boy, our venerable author, “M,” wants the fellas to shoot for the stars!

“Look, I know I’m not much to look at, and I have no discernible talents, but if you turn around and bend over, you’re more than likely going to have a good time.”

The Catholic Church: Friend of Hep Cats

Oct3

“So you are going to be married?

Teen timers, if you have a noggin filled with notions about tying the nuptial knot, lend a listen to some straight from the shoulder chatter on the matter of marriage.

First Love

If Jallopy Joe or Jeanie with the light brown hair bob has you cloud hopping when the door bell rings at date time, you are suffering from the acute symptoms of pedigreed puppy love. If you think Tom is tops or Jane is a wonderful girl, all well and good. High school is the time when mutual admiration begins. But — be cautious, Hep cats!!! The accent is on mutual admiration, not intense amour. The three r’s still remain reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic, not ‘riting and ‘romance. We cannot mix coy glances and giddy giggles with a geometry proposition or the swoony sensations of first love with ancient history.”