“Hey girl. I bet under that kirtle and bumroll you’ve got some mighty stately Thighes.”
Tired of doling out the same, worn-out compliments to your lady friend? Take a page from The Academy of Complements (1663), written by John Gough. These lines are sure to quicken her breath and redden her cheeks, if you know what I mean.
“Her womb, mansion of Cupid and Summerhouse of pleasure.”
“Liquorous rolling eyes.”
“Her Cheeks are spread with Spices and Flowers.”
“Her breasts are the soft Pillows of love.”
“Her breasts are soft and tender as the Pelican’s.”
“In that sweet dimple, when she smiles, Cupid hath pitch’d his tents.”
“Her Thighes are fit subjects for the pleasant Songs of youthfull Poets to acquaint the world with.”
“Her legs as stately and firm as marble pillars.”
(via The Academy of Complements and Ask the Past)
“Maybe you feel a little guilty knowing that at least three-fourths of Bill’s allowance goes down the bottomless pit labeled ‘steady dating.’
Should you share part of the burden? If so, how? Some girls have gone topsy-turvy on this score and have established a revolutionary system in which the girl pays 50 per cent of the bills.
Sounds wonderful, but almost always it flops. Boys usually like the system at first, but after a few dates in which they play second fiddle, they begin to feel like sissified heels and their eyes begin to wander to the glamor girls (not gold diggers) who make them toe the mark.
In the beginning the girl feels important and useful, but about the third date she begins to feel she is not out with a masterful, masculine boy, but a real Caspar Milktoast. Can she idolize this sort of boy? No! Emphatically no! Soon she is looking down her nose at him and admiring the fellow who will date her only half as much but will take the lead in everything.”
– Date Data
Takeaway: Sharing and equality will only bring ruin and send everyone running to unhealthy, controlling relationships. (Side note: Is there such a thing as a “masterful” teenage boy?)
(Image via Collecting Children’s Books)
Listerated Pepsin Gum: Because She Might Be Filthy.
[The following is presented as an example of a "successful" pick-up line to be used in an art museum.]
“Stare at bizarre abstract for five minutes, then nod in judgement, poking cheek in tongue.
YOU: My five-year-old brother has a better notion of line and perspective.
SHE: (eyebrows raised): Better than Klee?
YOU: You don’t believe me? Look! (Pull folded charcoal line drawing of city skyline from your coat pocket.) Have you ever seen such a display of sweeping vision in conjunction with a draftsman’s precision…
This line may be a bit shaky unless your kid brother is in the same league with Klee. But maybe not, because she probably knows nothing about art. After all, Cosmopolitan sent her to the museum to look for men, not for culture.”
–The Sensuous Man
Well, obviously. It’s not like “culture” is going to teach you 101 ways to please a man.
Have a particularly bad pick-up line to share? Please comment!
Other pickup tips from The Sensuous Man:
The Pickup Artist
Adventures in Pickup Lines: Ladies Love Seamen
(image via Comically Vintage)
“Here’s another scene for your mind’s eye. Half a dozen boys are congregated on the steps of Ye Ole High School. A captivating co-ed saunters by. What happens? You know! Six low wolf whistles are sounded.
Why? Well, as the boys would phrase it, it’s because she’s so — er, a — well you must admit she certainly is! Of course, if you happen to be the girl in question, it puts you on the spot. Just how are you supposed to respond to pass this test with flying colors?
If [the girl] looks neither to the right nor the left but marches self-consciously on, she is apt to be the target of even more whistles and wolfish remarks. Boys are thrilled when they can get a rise out of a girl. On the other hand, if she makes some playful retort, the boys are apt to get the idea that their wolf calls are appreciated — even welcomed.
The ideal solution seems to be for the girl to acknowledge the dubious tribute with a sweet smile (not coy or coquettish) and walk on, thus letting them know that she is not flustered, but neither is she unduly impressed.”
Welcome to the Madonna/Whore complex of simple, everyday strolling.
“After interviewing scores of high school girls, I’ve discovered the one-two-three formula for making you a date knight on date night.
Interested? Okay, hang onto your hat (if you wear one), because here it comes. You may have heard that girls like the strong masterful type — swoon — and they do, but from a strictly feminine viewpoint, it seems like the idea has been a little misinterpreted.
A girl likes to feel managed in the sense that she is being helplessly swept off her feet into a whirlwind evening that has been planned to the last minute detail, whether it’s a movie with a Coke float afterward, or a swanky dance that calls for formal dress.
She likes to feel subdued because her date seems more capable more intelligent, and better versed in what’s going on in the world than she. However, to interpret “that masterful approach” as meaning that dream boat yearns to be treated as a slave girl several notches lower in a caste system, is to take a jet flight right off the beam. All girls, from the slick chicks right down to the plain Janes, like to be treated like fairy princesses on feather pillows, and the boy who can create this illusion will instantly see in his girl friend’s eyes a reflection of himself as a Greek god.”
Well, this is certainly one way to define “pillow princess,” I suppose.
“The period of courtship is one full of importance. A young woman of unripe experience must decide from what she can see of a man during the intercourse of a few months, whether he will suit her for a life-companion. She has no knowledge of human nature; and what would it avail her if she had, when at such a time a suitor is careful only to show his eligible traits?”
–The Physical Life of Woman
I was going to make a snappy point that c’mon, even the contestants on “The Bachelor” have six months to decide which young ladies will be their lifelong helpmates, but upon further investigation, it appears the show is filmed within six weeks.
Never mind. Carry on.