When Should a Guy Marry?

“We have placed the best age for woman to marry between 20 and 25 years; for similar reasons, man is best qualified to become a husband between 23 and 33 years.

Previous to the twenty-third year, many a man is incapable of producing healthy children. If he does not destroy his health by premature indulgence, he may destroy his happiness by witnessing his children a prey to debility and deformity. An old German proverb says, “Give a boy a wife, and a child a bird, and death will soon knock at the door.”

The Physical Life of Woman

Young Romance vintage comic

“However will I tell her that Vince falls short of the 23-to-33-year-old age limit? And what’s with that German nonsense about a child and a bird?”

(Image via DC Comics Database)

Everything I Do, I Do It for You

Hersteria_cant understand women

“It just goes to prove that women are happy when they can kick a guy around. If he doesn’t give them cause for complaint, they invent it. Sometimes you wonder why wives stick to ne’er-do-wells, cheaters and drunks. The answer is simply that it gives them a chance to nag, correct, boss, forgive – and if he’s helpless enough – nurse and mother him. Indeed, the alcoholic who goes on the wagon can make his wife physically ill by his reformed and virtuous state. Sometimes she herself is driven to drink by it.”

 

Women Confidential

 

“Honey, I drink and cheat to keep YOU happy and healthy!”

Best justification ever.

 

(image via English Girl at Home)

Hersteria’s Marriage Tips for Connubial Bliss

Hersteria vintage wedding cats

First, Dear Readers, an apology: I’ve been absolutely awful at updating this site for the last, oh, nine months or so, and I do apologize. I’m sorry if you missed out on important (and antiquated) advice regarding sex, love, marriage, and filthy menstrual matters.

Then, an excuse explanation. My absence is due to the following:

1. Day job-wise, I moved from book publishing into web publishing. And guess what? Working on a website for 8+ hours a day kinda kills that inner fire to work on any personal writing!

2. This winter was a bear. A very unpleasant three-to-four months battling bad seasonal depression. Plus my dog died.

3. I’m getting married! This is extremely happy news, but it means my mind is stuffed to the brim with wedding-related ballyhoo.

Thankfully, I have plenty of marriage- and wedding-related resources to guide me into matrimonial bliss! After perusing through my archives both webby and paper, I’ve come up with a list of helpful marriage advice. Please, enjoy and pass on to any fools friends who are also on their way down the aisle.

Hersteria’s Marriage Tips for Connubial Bliss

handsome or homely

wedding night rabies_Hersteria

maritalratingscale_wife

(Of course, if you’re interested in more vintage marriage advice, be sure to check the archives!)

So You Want to Get Married

In honor of my friends Jessica and Nate getting married this weekend, I thought it appropriate to share some much-warranted advice from So! You Want to Get Married! (1947) as shared by The Hairpin.

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So You Want to Get Married 1
First things first. Did he ask your father for your hand in marriage? Did he go straight to the top and ask God? If not, why not? Perhaps you want to rethink marrying such a soulless, father-hating creep.

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So You Want to Get Married 2

This one’s easy: Are you a filthy whore? Check yes or no.

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So You Want to Get Married 4

And finally, there’s the issue of how to keep that ol’ spark alive.

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Personally, I hope never to see the words “love-making” and “sour cream” used together ever again.

Congrats Jessica and Nate! And thanks to Bridget for the link!

Leapin’ for the Altar

Ladies, rev your engines! It’s Leap Day, and you know what that means: It’s the one day out of every four years that you can ask a man to marry you and not seem like a wayward whore. 

In a custom that dates back to 5th-century Ireland, folks thought of Leap Day as a day that was sort of beyond the law. Tradition was out the window, and it became a veritable Wild West of love, ladies and gentlemen. You see, during leap years (but particularly on Leap Day), it was fine for a woman to act the aggressor. As one Irish site put it, “Consequently, women who were concerned about being ‘left on the shelf’ took advantage of this anomaly and proposed to the man they wished to marry.”

Not a love match? Then the fella better prepare to pay up. In 1288, Scottish law was supposedly passed stating that a woman could propose marriage in leap years, but if she was turned down, the man owed her a kiss, a silk gown, or a pair of gloves (take the dress!). In Denmark, scorned ladies came away with a dozen pairs of gloves.

Ladies lying in wait.

Men, it’s time for you to slug back a Leap Year highball, and get ready to grin and bear it. Happy Leap Day!

(Thank you to Bridget for the tip! And happy birthday to Lori!)

American Men = Chumps

“American men have been raised on a fiction: that American women are soft, feminine and alluring. They forsake the freedom of single bliss and the grubby affairs in motels and automobile back seats for the fantasy that is held up on all sides of soft female flesh, partially hidden by a sheer black negligee; sex on silken sheets with a perpetually young and sylphlike wife with red lips and nails by Revlon and hair always in place by Toni. They dream of gay, perfumed nights of love courtesy of Sortilege.

Even before the honeymoon is over, the sucker discovers that in marrying an American woman, he sold himself into bondage to a domineering, sexless individual who regards marriage as a contest with a husband to see who is going to be the boss. And the poor chump always loses.”

Women Confidential

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Them’s the breaks.

By the by, I had to look up Sortilege — while the author is probably talking about having a gay time (ahem) with the Canadian brand of whiskey/maple syrup liqueur, I’m choosing to believe he meant the ’80s French heavy metal band.