Oh, This Isn’t Hand Sanitizer…

From a chapter entitled “How to Drive a Woman to Ecstasy”:

“Many women love to see pornographic erotica (though few will admit it) in the form of novels, illustrations, photographs, and blue movies. Display your collection (if you own one) where she can notice it, and be guided by whether or not she shows any interest.”

The Sensuous Man

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This is absolutely true. Nothing is more attractive on a first date than finding a potential beau’s bathroom stocked with a stack of Barely Legal magazines and an array of tastefully arranged scented lubes (in a wicker basket, natch — unless he’s an utter brute).

Totally True Scientific Facts

“From the day of marriage the woman undergoes a change in her whole structure. She is similar to her former self, but not the same. It is often noticed that the children of a woman in her second marriage bear a marked resemblance to her first husband. In the inferior races and lower animals this obscure metamorphosis is still more apparent. A negress who has borne her first child to a white man, will ever after have children of a lighter color than her own.”

–The Physical Life of Woman

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Ah! I didn’t realize humans followed the same rules as pedigree dog breeders.

Adventures in Pickup Lines: Ladies Love Seamen

[The following is presented as an example of a “successful” pick-up line.]

On a crowded bus:

You step on her foot.

SHE: Owww!

YOU: Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry!

You step on her foot again.

SHE: Ouch! Please!

YOU (blushing): Oh, excuse me, please forgive me. I’m not normally so clumsy. It’s just that it takes a while for me to get my land legs after I’ve been out on a yacht.

SHE (wide-eyed): You have a yacht?

YOU: Why, do you like boating? …

Remember, you don’t actually say you have a yacht. Later, when she tries to pin you down, you can always say your friend Ari owns the yacht–and he’s a round-the-world voyage. But you offer to take her on a one-week cruise instead.”

The Sensuous Man

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Never mind why a wealthy playboy would disembark from his fancy-pants yacht and hop directly on public transportation…

Oh God.

“Whether or not the virginal membrane has been dealt with by a doctor, the prospective bride should stretch the opening to the vagina for a head start on marital adjustment. Instead of ordinary lubrication, she should generally apply a moderately thick layer of Surfacaine ointment to the area and wait three to five minutes for the deadening action of that ointment to take effect. She should then lubricate one finger (preferably one with a short, well-filed fingernail) with more ointment and insert it slowly into the vagina. If long fingernails create a risk of injury or if modesty prevents direct finger contact, a rubber stall can be used. Usually one to five minutes every day devoted to widening the vaginal opening results in proper stretching and relaxation in four to six weeks.”

–The Marriage Art

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There’s no unreading that, folks. Sorry.

(Also, the instructions actually go on. So I really did you a service by stopping early.)

Give Grudgingly

Caveat: The book this information is taken from is a reprint, and thus may not be authentic. Even so, these are very wise words to live by. Take heed!


Sex Tips For Husbands and Wives from 1894

• The wise bride will permit two brief sexual experiences weekly — and as time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

• Give little, give seldom and above all give grudgingly. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

• Men obtain a major portion of sexual satisfaction from peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act. Thus the wife must ensure that there is no peace for him. Otherwise he might be encouraged to try again.

• Many women find it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands — they need not be removed during the act.

• Lie still as bodily motion could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

• When it cannot be prevented, sex should be practised in total darkness.

• Remain absolutely silent while he is huffing and puffing away – and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.

• By the tenth anniversary many wives have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating sexual contact. Social pressure will hold the husband in the home.

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(From the learned ladies at Writing Women’s History.)

Be Honest When You Cheat

[On being honest with the woman with whom you’re cheating on your wife]

“Little girls want pretty things and pretty smells and to be cuddled and kissed — but most of all, they want to be wives….

You can’t really blame her. Here you are, one of the world’s most sensuous men, holding her in your arms, telling her beautiful things, kissing her, fondling her, driving her out of her mind! After that kind of treatment, do you expect her to ‘understand’ that you have to go home to your nagging old wife? Forget it. She wants you, you! So if you want to keep her (and keep her happy), you’re going to have to be a combination of Casanova, Paul Newman, and Winston Churchill.

The rule here, as it is so often in sexual matters, is honesty.

The Sensuous Man

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So, to keep your piece, you have to be a librarian with VD, a salad dressing magnate, and a British bulldog with a loose mother? Good luck with that.