How to Manage, I Mean, Treat a Lady

Pillow Princess

“After interviewing scores of high school girls, I’ve discovered the one-two-three formula for making you a date knight on date night.

Interested? Okay, hang onto your hat (if you wear one), because here it comes. You may have heard that girls like the strong masterful type — swoon — and they do, but from a strictly feminine viewpoint, it seems like the idea has been a little misinterpreted.

A girl likes to feel managed in the sense that she is being helplessly swept off her feet into a whirlwind evening that has been planned to the last minute detail, whether it’s a movie with a Coke float afterward, or a swanky dance that calls for formal dress.

She likes to feel subdued because her date seems more capable more intelligent, and better versed in what’s going on in the world than she. However, to interpret “that masterful approach” as meaning that dream boat yearns to be treated as a slave girl several notches lower in a caste system, is to take a jet flight right off the beam. All girls, from the slick chicks right down to the plain Janes, like to be treated like fairy princesses on feather pillows, and the boy who can create this illusion will instantly see in his girl friend’s eyes a reflection of himself as a Greek god.”

 
Well, this is certainly one way to define “pillow princess,” I suppose.

Self Abuse and the Single Fella (SFW)

“This… substance, the spermin, is carried to his central nerve system, to his spinal cord, his medulla oblongata, and his brain, and hammered into these by his strong young heart… He begins to act like a man; he begins to think like a man; he begins to do big things in a man’s way; he begins to make ambitious plans in a man’s way; and he is a man, every inch of him a man… there is a new light in his eye. This light is nothing more nor less than light from the kindling fire of manhood…

In this connection, it must be noted that some boys and young man seriously interfere with this natural process of developing from youth into manhood by the act of masturbation or self-abuse. If this act is begun before puberty, and continued at comparatively frequent intervals, say, three or four times a week, or daily, the youth might almost as well have no testicles during such period of self-abuse; and if persisted in during the years of puberty, he will, instead of developing into the hard-muscled, fiery-eyed, ambitious young man described above, develop into a flabby-muscled, namby-pamby, cowardly molly-coddle, lacking in initiative and will power.”

Dr. Hall’s Sexual Knowledge

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Ah! This is a return of my beloved scientific terms “namby-pamby” and “molly-coddle.And as we’ve seen in the past, Dr. Hall has quite the fixation on what defines manhood and virility in all its sweaty-chested, broad-shouldered, heavy-breathing glory. Read into that what you will.

Keepin’ It in the Family

On “Snaring That First Date”:

“Maybe you are one of those lucky creatures with a male cousin who holds either a high junior or senior status in another high school. If that’s the case, you hold an ace card. Explain your woes to Aunt Jane, who is sure to respond in motherly fashion and see to it that Cousin Johnny suddenly decides to ask you to the Christmas dance.”

Date Data

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Oh, we’re only on page 5 of Date Data, and already we’re in a muddle. There’s nothing uncomfortable with having your whiny, lonely younger cousin foisted on you as potential dating material, is there, fellas? Hm?

I also have a nitpicky problem with the phrase “a high junior or senior status.” It’s not like you’re ultra cool and thus become a senior (believe me, I managed to become one and avoided any semblance of coolness).

Or perhaps the author is inferring that the junior or senior in question has been smoking those jazz cigarettes. Oh my

Idle Hands Holding Other Idle Hands Are the Devil’s Workshop

“Be a lady. Let Bill open doors for you if he’s so inclined. No hand-holding during the movie even if he insists and you’d like to. It may be a test to see whether you’re an easy mark. No point in being Puritanical, but don’t let your standards drag. It might be heaven for the duration of the movie, but you might never see him again, so play your cards carefully.”

- Date Data

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Remember girls: Holding hands while watching a movie will get you pregnant.

Also, watching a movie will get you pregnant.

You know what, it’s better if you just stay home. Alone. With your cats.

Hersteria Gets Hysterical

“There is a disease of the nerves to which girls about the age of puberty are very subject, particularly in the higher circles of society, where their emotions are over-educated and their organization delicate. It is called hysteria, and more commonly hysterics

This disease is apt to produce a similar affection in other girls of the same age [14 or 15] who see the attacks. For this reason, hysterical girls should not be sent to large schools, but cured at home. Often a strong mental impression restores them. The anecdote is told of a celebrated surgeon (Boerhaave) who was called to a female seminary where there was a number of hysterical girls. He summoned them together, heated a number of iron instruments before their eyes, and told them that the first one who had a fit should be cauterized down the spine. They all recovered immediately.”

–The Physical Life of Woman

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The magic of modern medicine, ladies and gentlemen!

The Story of Manhood

“The first lesson which the father teaches his son is the story of manhood and the secret of virility. He describes what it means for a boy to grow into a man, and how, after a brief period of lank, awkward, self-conscious clumsiness, the boy develops masses of muscles on shoulders and chest, upper arms, forearms, back, hips, thighs, legs. When these muscles come under the control of his will, as they should in his later teens, he will have received from mother Nature “the three B’s” of young manhood, namely, Bone, Brawn, and Brain, so that at eighteen years of age, the young man should be able to stand out before the world, broad-shouldered, deep-chested, erect, supple, hard-muscled, fiery-eyed and resourceful, full of initiative and will power, ready to get into the world’s work.”

Dr. Hall’s Sexual Knowledge

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Broad-shouldered…

Erect…

Supple…

Fiery-eyed…

Hard- …

Oh dear. Someone fetch me a fainting couch!

Cast Boobs Before Swine

“Not only is the mind to be kept pure, but the imagination must be carefully guarded. Turn away from obscene pictures as you would from the most loathsome contagion. . . The influence of vicious pictures often leads to illicit sexual indulgence. . .  Banish from your room and your possession all photographs and pictures whether known works of art or shielded under some similarly deceptive and euphonious title, but which are nevertheless “nude and nasty,” and which consequently beget impure thoughts, pollute the imagination and debase that which is noblest and best in the beholder, it matters not whether the pictures are suspended from the walls of an art gallery or grace (disgrace) the parlors of the wealthy.

The man who desires to be pure in life must also be careful about the purity of his blood. No man can eat pork, at least to any considerable amount, without perceptibly poisoning his blood. Numerous forms of skin disease are easily traceable to the eating of pork, both fresh and cured, in the many forms of sausage pudding, ham and bacon.”

What a Young Man Ought to Know

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Porn, pork . . . it’s all the same, really.

(Seriously, these two paragraphs ran together.)