“Honey, shut the hell up — the radiator is telling me about cows, and I have to take notes. Now be a good girl and go score more of that hash.”
(Image submitted by Eamon)
“From the day of marriage the woman undergoes a change in her whole structure. She is similar to her former self, but not the same. It is often noticed that the children of a woman in her second marriage bear a marked resemblance to her first husband. In the inferior races and lower animals this obscure metamorphosis is still more apparent. A negress who has borne her first child to a white man, will ever after have children of a lighter color than her own.”
Ah! I didn’t realize humans followed the same rules as pedigree dog breeders.
Caveat: The book this information is taken from is a reprint, and thus may not be authentic. Even so, these are very wise words to live by. Take heed!
Sex Tips For Husbands and Wives from 1894
• The wise bride will permit two brief sexual experiences weekly — and as time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
• Give little, give seldom and above all give grudgingly. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
• Men obtain a major portion of sexual satisfaction from peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act. Thus the wife must ensure that there is no peace for him. Otherwise he might be encouraged to try again.
• Many women find it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands — they need not be removed during the act.
• Lie still as bodily motion could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
• When it cannot be prevented, sex should be practised in total darkness.
• Remain absolutely silent while he is huffing and puffing away – and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.
• By the tenth anniversary many wives have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating sexual contact. Social pressure will hold the husband in the home.
(From the learned ladies at Writing Women’s History.)
“You will need not only a wife, but you will also need a COMPANION. In such an alliance you should seek intelligence. A woman who is ignorant and stupid, or one who has simply learned to drum on the piano, to paint a few horrible pictures, and do a little embroidery, cannot properly be regarded as one suited for this important relation of life.”
Well, I guess I’m out of the running, then. Back to painting my horrible pictures!
Dear me! I realize I’m scooting this in just before the month’s end, but by gum, we SHALL have a January Hussy of the Month!
Or rather, hussIES! Not one, but two women, each reeking of desperation as they perch upon the fickle swing of Matrimony. Their cruel lot forces them to cast about for husbands as if they were simply hawking lemonade on the corner. For shame, ladies!
“Women who are constantly seeking diversion and entertainment, who are absorbed by the empty and exacting demands of what is called ‘society,’ who are extravagant in dress, and who honestly contribute nothing, either of happiness or comfort, to the sum of the world’s good, are really idlers, and are practically worthless as helpmeets. Any woman clad in silks and seal and costly apparel can look pleasant and smile attractively on Chestnut Street or Fifth Avenue; but, young man, the woman you want to live with you in your home is the one who can be agreeable and helpful in the midst of every-day burdens and self-denials. . .”
So I suppose dozing on the couch while watching The Wire for five straight hours disqualifies me from being a helpmeet, eh? What Bunk.
Benjamin Franklin: statesman, scientist, spy … and a sly devil with the ladies. It’s no secret that this founding father was, as a Time magazine described, a “paunchy, balding, bifocaled septuagenarian [who] managed to get French ladies in a flutter.” Even though Ben usually surrounded himself with young, pretty, tittering mademoiselles, he also advocated the more experienced woman.
Read on for Ben’s advice on wooing mature women. I’ve highlighted some of my favorites, but if you would like to read the entire letter, you can do so here.
Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress by Benjamin Franklin
Philadelphia, June 25, 1745
“… It is the man and woman united that make the complete human being. Separate, she wants his force of body and strength of reason; he, her fitness, sensibility, and acute discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the world. A single man has not nearly the Value he would have in the state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. If you get a prudent healthy wife, your industry in your profession, with her good economy, will be a fortune sufficient.
But if you will not take this counsel and persist in thinking a commerce with the sex inevitable, then I repeat my former advice, that in all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:
… 8thly and lastly. They are so grateful!!
Oh, Ben, you cad.
(Thanks to Riley Coyote for the tip!)