Adventures in Pickup Lines: Klee vs. Cosmo

bad pickup line

[The following is presented as an example of a "successful" pick-up line to be used in an art museum.]

“Stare at bizarre abstract for five minutes, then nod in judgement, poking cheek in tongue.

YOU: My five-year-old brother has a better notion of line and perspective.

SHE: (eyebrows raised): Better than Klee?

YOU: You don’t believe me? Look! (Pull folded charcoal line drawing of city skyline from your coat pocket.) Have you ever seen such a display of sweeping vision in conjunction with a draftsman’s precision…

This line may be a bit shaky unless your kid brother is in the same league with Klee. But maybe not, because she probably knows nothing about art. After all, Cosmopolitan sent her to the museum to look for men, not for culture.”

The Sensuous Man

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Well, obviously. It’s not like “culture” is going to teach you 101 ways to please a man.

Have a particularly bad pick-up line to share? Please comment!

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Other pickup tips from The Sensuous Man:

The Pickup Artist

Adventures in Pickup Lines: Ladies Love Seamen

(image via Comically Vintage)

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Heavy Petting Practice with the Sensual Man

Sensuality exercise number 10:

“Finally, and most ludicrously, strip to the waist. Sit down at that same cluttered table with those identical items [fur pillow, bar of soap, cracker, leather glove, handkerchief, silk tie, dish of tepid water, slice of bread, suede t-shirt] –and, with your eyes closed again, rub your body with each item. Again–stop, lean back, lick the bread crumbs off your fingers, and remember the feel of each item. You are training your entire body to be a discerning instrument of sensation.

When you have finished the exercise and your tactile sensitivity has been expanded and refined, strip the rest of the way down and go take a shower. You’ll need it.”

The Sensuous Man

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O,  I quiver at the very mention of “suede t-shirt.” Cold showers for everyone!

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Other sensuality exercises from previous posts:

Uh, Honey, What Are You Doing?!: Sensuality Exercise #3

Thanks, but No Thanks: Sensuality Exercise #5

A Shot (Glass) in the Dark: Sensuality Exercise #7



Oh, This Isn’t Hand Sanitizer…

From a chapter entitled “How to Drive a Woman to Ecstasy”:

“Many women love to see pornographic erotica (though few will admit it) in the form of novels, illustrations, photographs, and blue movies. Display your collection (if you own one) where she can notice it, and be guided by whether or not she shows any interest.”

The Sensuous Man

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This is absolutely true. Nothing is more attractive on a first date than finding a potential beau’s bathroom stocked with a stack of Barely Legal magazines and an array of tastefully arranged scented lubes (in a wicker basket, natch — unless he’s an utter brute).

Adventures in Pickup Lines: Ladies Love Seamen

[The following is presented as an example of a "successful" pick-up line.]

On a crowded bus:

You step on her foot.

SHE: Owww!

YOU: Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry!

You step on her foot again.

SHE: Ouch! Please!

YOU (blushing): Oh, excuse me, please forgive me. I’m not normally so clumsy. It’s just that it takes a while for me to get my land legs after I’ve been out on a yacht.

SHE (wide-eyed): You have a yacht?

YOU: Why, do you like boating? …

Remember, you don’t actually say you have a yacht. Later, when she tries to pin you down, you can always say your friend Ari owns the yacht–and he’s a round-the-world voyage. But you offer to take her on a one-week cruise instead.”

The Sensuous Man

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Never mind why a wealthy playboy would disembark from his fancy-pants yacht and hop directly on public transportation…

Be Honest When You Cheat

[On being honest with the woman with whom you're cheating on your wife]

“Little girls want pretty things and pretty smells and to be cuddled and kissed — but most of all, they want to be wives….

You can’t really blame her. Here you are, one of the world’s most sensuous men, holding her in your arms, telling her beautiful things, kissing her, fondling her, driving her out of her mind! After that kind of treatment, do you expect her to ‘understand’ that you have to go home to your nagging old wife? Forget it. She wants you, you! So if you want to keep her (and keep her happy), you’re going to have to be a combination of Casanova, Paul Newman, and Winston Churchill.

The rule here, as it is so often in sexual matters, is honesty.

The Sensuous Man

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So, to keep your piece, you have to be a librarian with VD, a salad dressing magnate, and a British bulldog with a loose mother? Good luck with that.

The Pickup Artist

(The following is from a chapter entitled “The Pickup.”)

“If you can get at a woman, you have at least a chance of getting into her. And since most women in our society are ‘at large’ — free to move about in public without restriction — any reasonably attractive man with a fair degree of brashness has a good chance of scoring with a complete stranger.”

The Sensuous Man

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Makes sense to me! Viva la Women’s Lib!!

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If you can get at a woman, you have at least a chance of getting into hermay be one of my favorites phrases in the Hersteria archives (a list that includes “There’s Communists in the funhouse“). I may include some of the bizarre and inane pick-up line examples in a later post.

A Shot (Glass) in the Dark

“Sensuality Exercise Number 7:

Fumble around in your kitchen cabinet until you find a whiskey shot glass. Leaving it empty (for now), cover your mouth with it as you would an oxygen mask, but don’t press it against your face. Now slowly stick out your tongue as far as it will go without touching the sides of the glass. If you do touch the sides, withdraw your tongue and begin again. This time, elongate the tip of your tongue, making it more pointed, and try to go past the point where you touched the glass.

This exercise serves a two-fold purpose. In French kissing, your tongue should be pointed to explore her mouth and meet her tongue. Your tongue is larger than hers–if it’s too broad when it enters her mouth, it may prove uncomfortable and frighten her.

Secondly, when stimulating the clitoris orally, the tip of your tongue should encircle the small shaft and only flick across the top of her clitoris.

If you don’t understand this now, you will later.”

The Sensuous Man

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If you don’t understand this entry now, you will when you get a knee to the jaw.

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Update: Here are a few other sensuality exercises from other posts:

Uh, Honey, What Are You Doing?!: Sensuality Exercise #3

Thanks, but No Thanks: Sensuality Exercise #5

The Sensual Man Presents: Sensitivity Training: Sensuality Exercise #10