January Hussy of the Month!

Jan 2013 HOM

Bring out the Gimp.”
Gimp’s sleeping.”

“Wake him up, then. He’s late for school.”

.

Why, yes, my dear ducklings, it’s the return of the Hussy of the Month! While this 1921 photo apparently depicts “Rubber beauty masks, worn to remove wrinkles and blemishes,” believe you me, these are hussies and they’re up to no good at all. Why, they’re probably writing a manifesto arguing to allow women to show their bare ankles.

(Image via Dangerous Minds. Thanks to Jim A. for the tip! And remember, if you have anything you’d like to share, simply email me.)

Midol Mini-Post

It’s been very busy at Hersteria HQ – we recently moved to a new house (yes, again) and are in the process of emptying a house that we sort of inherited. That means going through 50+ years of a family’s belongings, which, let me tell you, means a lot of nicotine-stained tchotchkes.

But my housework has not all been for naught! For instance, this amazing, baffling – and amazingly baffling – promotional item from Midol.

Hersteria PMS Midol shiv

Personally, I know a box cutter would certainly help when I’m mired in the PMS crazies. File this under: Shark Week Shiv.

Hersteria’s Guide to Looking Fabulous!

six-stages-of-mending-a-face

The Six Stages of Mending a Face

(Start upper left, going clockwise)

1. Attach poodle to head

2. Carefully remove eyeball

3. Wail mournfully about state of breast tissue

4. Refrain from biting mirror image

5. Wipe detached kitten paw across cheeks.

6. Success! You look fabulous. Now put grab that skull and go out on the town!

.

(Image via Monk Lounge. Thanks to Phineas for the find!)

Dimple Duplicity

You know what everybody loves? Dimples. Those little indentations that are just pinchably adorable on women, men, and babies alike.

But alas, your cheeks are unbearably smooth; you lack the sought-after dimple. What to do?

Luckily, Ms. Gilbert has invented this amazing machine that will show your face what’s what, come hell or high water. Dimples firmly in place, everyone will finally love you.

Order today!

(image via Black and WTF)

Oh God.

“Whether or not the virginal membrane has been dealt with by a doctor, the prospective bride should stretch the opening to the vagina for a head start on marital adjustment. Instead of ordinary lubrication, she should generally apply a moderately thick layer of Surfacaine ointment to the area and wait three to five minutes for the deadening action of that ointment to take effect. She should then lubricate one finger (preferably one with a short, well-filed fingernail) with more ointment and insert it slowly into the vagina. If long fingernails create a risk of injury or if modesty prevents direct finger contact, a rubber stall can be used. Usually one to five minutes every day devoted to widening the vaginal opening results in proper stretching and relaxation in four to six weeks.”

–The Marriage Art

.

There’s no unreading that, folks. Sorry.

(Also, the instructions actually go on. So I really did you a service by stopping early.)